Alard

I have failed my people. They looked to me... ...and I was not enough.

Oh - you are not from here! Forgive my manners! I am Alard, Alchemist of Castle Rock, or rather former alchemist, currently prisoner of this cursed tower.

You will be wondering: How am I speaking to you? Thankfully my master had dreadful knees, could not abide stairs - yet a real alchemist needs a tower! As for seeing... well, there is some witchcraft there.

I once told a fool that his jokes were infantile, for which he imprisoned me with his hellish powers. Thankfully, he is no alchemist, and still needs me alive.

It is not all bad, being imprisoned in an enchanted tower. I have yet to experience hunger or thirst. Of course the downside is that I am utterly, entirely alone.

You will have observed these 'windows' appearing. At first I thought they led to another world, but now I believe they offer glimpses through time itself!

Sometimes items have appeared, much as you have now. Most are inexplicable. Some taught us how to harness steam or lightning to achieve... wondrous things, and we have learned a lot about fire safety too.

I am certain these windows are connected to the crystal in the main hall. It seems to exist in many times at once - if I were not cruelly imprisoned, I would test this theory. Though would perhaps require two of myself to do so.

My people have struggled to survive in this place, even when we discovered plants growing where no life should be.

My brethren sometimes ask if we are going to die in this place. The answer is 'almost certainly yes' but if you say that, they become unreasonably upset.

Ever since our King condemned us to this place, there have been... frailties... in our world. We have seen visions of terrible monsters, and of course, these seeds - they are not of our world.

There’s another of you! Does everyone wear these suits where you come from? How do you perform basic biological functions? Or do you have to take it off every time you... you know.

I have seen devices like the ones you use through the windows. A form of captured magnetism, no? Does that make sense, let me think...

Sometimes I write down these ideas, and when I read them again, they are insufferable madness. Naturally I am ashamed. I was meant to serve my people, and I am letting them down.

Are you stood there in the hope of some reassuring words? I AM MAGICALLY IMPRISONED AT THE TOP OF AN ICY TOWER. Comparatively you are doing very well indeed.

I am trying to be more considerate. How is this? You are having feelings and I am magically imprisoned alone in an unending icy hellscape. But I care. About your feelings. Truly.

My master attempted to harness the power of the moon itself to carry our people home. But he vanished before the work was done, leaving no clear instructions, just a lot of questionable verse... and a drawing of an owl.

These tools you have - fascinating. This substance you wield is neither solid nor liquid yet seems magnetic...

There seems to be more objects from your world, appearing in mine. This device that has landed in the main hall - it interacts with the crystal, no? Fascinating - I must take notes before we are obliterated from reality!

Hello, is someone there? Hello?

Hello? Let me adjust the mirror.

The world is changing - this world, that world! Time and space and - all of it changing! So much for the laws of demons, gods and men!

Keep going!

I must remember everything. Study every detail. These people could hold the answer.

Perhaps I can be freed from this hopeless prison!

Oh it's you! Oh it's you. The twin idiots. Did you break time itself? Of course you did! WELL YOU'RE STUCK HERE NOW AREN'T YOU! Welcome to the calamity, only ten years later and the rest of your lives!

Look at us, experimenting. That's so charming, that's so fun.

...you sponge-brained apes, you hag-fish, you pancake fools!

You know what my tower prison was lacking? BEING STUCK FOREVER IN AN ENDLESS LOOP OF TIME.

Oh look, it's you, come back again. But yesterday you or tomorrow you? Round and round and round we go - oh go on touch something else why don’t you... ...you’ve got hands so you might as well put them everywhere!

They'll see, they'll see! Perhaps I should help them? They'll see for themselves...

Interesting - you also have a bubble of null-time. Mine first appeared a few years, or maybe seconds ago. Nothing quite as soothing as stopping the inevitable march of ruinous time!

Did I mention that I never sleep? Ten years I’ve not slept, TEN YEARS of just watching the world reset again and again and again...

...Ten years alone, did I go mad? Have I gone mad? Am I going mad? I wish there was someone to tell me...

Don't forget to move yourself over! Have moved. Will move. Move yourself over, under, over, under, until... ...you work it out!

Wait for it... and three, two, one...!

Ta-da! And we all go round and round again!

Can you feel it? I can feel it it tastes like yesterday and tomorrow and... ...get ready, here... we... GO!

What's the point of trying. You go round and round and round and it doesn't make a difference. Three, two, one...

The world's about to change! Not change! Never changes! Goodbye and hello eternity!

Hello eternity. Hello indeed.

Round and round and round and…

[sigh] ...back again!

Can you hear it? Tick tick tick and whoosh!

Do you know what they used to call me? "Alard the Clear"! Clear as mud, clear as muck, clear as a great big, cataclysmic, world-shattering...

...and back again.

Oh miracle of alchemy, wonders of the natural world... WELL, LOOK WHO'S WONDERFUL NOW! And off we go again!

It's adorable how you keep trying. You'll learn not to.

Ic hebbe gheweest alte crachteloos, endelike. Emmer alte crachteloos.

I was too weak in the end. Always too weak.

They shame you, Alard. They shame you. You let everyone down. Always letting them down.

You are beginning to understand... (You'll never understand. Look at you!) ...there is no forward is no backwards there is only now... ...now and now and now and now forever!

Making ghosts making ghosts but the ghost is you - did you ever think about that?

Have you ever noticed that there are only ever two ghosts of yourself? Probably for the best. Imagine more than two of you echoing through time; makes the blood run cold.

I'm going to be honest with you. Time is hard. Carry on.

Why am I even trying to help... ...this is your fault!

Locked in my tower all I can do is think think think. My head is so full that I think I will burst! Then we come back here, and thinking changed nothing, and I am still damned.

You found a crystal shard! Maybe if you find the other three you can actually change things for the better! (No, Alard! You idiot, hope is a trap, hope is a trap...)

What if there was another tower with me in it, but another me, but also the same... ...does that help? No, wait...

It is good to practice my English! You gallow’s spawn! You goat knitter! You spineless worm! You dirty gallbladder! Flea-for-brains! [laughs] ...ah, it DOES feel good to have people to talk to!

Idea! We go back to before we were here, and then we come forward to after we leave this place, having first given myself instructions... ...No, that doesn't work, hold on...

Idea! If we transmuted tin into silver, then the silver into lead and then... ...No, that doesn’t work either.

Idea! No, wait, that doesn't work at all... Don't mind me!

I’m going to take this next one off. You carry on without me.

Have you ever worried about accidentally killing your own grandmother? Or kissing her? No? Forget I said anything.

Well, look. You've worked out how to cooperate with yourself. But it's still only you...

You donkey, viper-brood, ripped from the pot sideways.

...yes, I’m talking about you!

Huh, another crystal shard. Seems important. Well, thank goodness we have ACTUAL ETERNITY to puzzle this out!

Another reset! Come on, you’ve found the shards, you can solve the problem. You broke time itself, how hard can it be to remake it?

Am I saying this right in your language? "The sight of you makes me want to vomit upon my freshly cleaned trousers!" Is that correct?

Oh, did that last reset make you sad? WELL YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BROKEN TIME SHOULD YOU!

This really should have been obvious!

Do you know how long I've been trapped here? I don't know how long, but I know it's been eternity in the blink of an eye...

All because of you, you gallow's bird...!

Have you wondered what would happen if you idiots could fix this? BOOOOM! Carry on. You just carry on.

Maybe not so rabbit-brained, my mad time-shattering friends?!

Boooom! It’s going to explode! Oh, don't you worry, my magical prison is not so easily escaped as by the shattering of reality... ...but you! Enjoy the cannonfire you flapturds! You unable worms, you appendages, backward gladiolus... [laughs]

[laughs] [laughs] [laughs maniacally]